The Secret Ingredient to Stronger Connections: Laughter

When I came across this quote, it grabbed my attention. “Laughter contagiously forms social bonds...Spreading endorphin release through groups promotes a sense of togetherness and safety. Each brain in a social unit is a transmitter of those feelings, which triggers the feel-good chemicals in other brains via laughter. It’s like a game of endorphin dominoes,” states David DiSalvo in his article, “Six Science-Based Reasons Why Laughter Is The Best Medicine, in Forbes Magazine. He continues, “Laughter is central to relationships...It’s no surprise, then, that couples who laugh together report having higher-quality relationships.”

Many of us have heard about the health benefits of laughter, like how it can boost your immune system and release your body’s natural feel-good chemicals, or endorphins. I first learned about these benefits when I trained to become a Certified Laughter Yoga Leader in the ‘90’s, while I was also studying many healing and expressive arts techniques to round out my college education.

But there was something about this quote, which got me thinking of the psychologist Dr. John Gottman and his research findings on intimate relationships. Having studied his key concepts on how successful couples build and sustain relationships to apply to my own life, this quote made me wonder if I could tie laughter to one or more of the key concepts in the Gottman research that could help to strengthen our relationships. Had they or someone else already done this? I set out on a quest and thought about how humor had diffused and abated arguments in my own relationship and how my boyfriend and I regularly use humorous pattern-interrupts we’ve designed when one of us is acting snarky, impatient, or persnickety.

Then I remembered the Gottman’s concepts of repair (making a repair attempt when you’ve had a disagreement) and turning towards one another instead of turning away from one another (you can find out more about these concepts and other Gottman research findings freely online) and noticed how these dove-tailed nicely.

You know how sometimes, in a relationship, you unintentionally or unknowingly do something that your partner finds offensive or even hurtful? And you know how when they do this to you and it’s unconscious or unintentional, it can still sting and feel hard to speak to since you know they didn’t mean it, and yet still it disturbs you? Well, my boyfriend and I stumbled across a way to interrupt the pattern when one of us unconsciously hurts the other and the other becomes instinctively offended—by designing a pattern interrupt consisting of humor.

One of our favorites comes from Pinky and The Brain. If you’ve seen this animated series about two lab mice, you know the expressions, “Pinky, are you pondering what I’m pondering?” To which Pinky replies, “I think so Brain, but…” which is followed by something surprising and silly like, “...but if we give peas a chance, won’t the lima beans get jealous?” Or “I think so Brain but if the plural of mouse is mice, why isn’t the plural of spouse, spice?” Then we laugh and this defuses the tension and shifts our focus. It gets us back to relating to one another and reminds us that our relationship is more important to us than either of us being right.

We’ve found that it doesn’t take much to benefit from these inside jokes—we just notice when both of us laugh or comment on a favorite scene we’ve found comical in a movie, and then we talk about how we can design pattern interrupts out of them and use them when we’re struggling to see each other’s perspective.

After all, “According to Dr. Gottman, sharing humor with your partner is one of the most effective ways to strengthen your relationship,” states Ellie Lisitsa, editor of the Gottman blog, in her article, “Weekend Homework Assignment: Have A Bit of Fun.” She continues, “Surprising each other with random acts of hilarity, enjoying playful back-and-forths, giving yourselves to the moment—these are ways in which your time together is gradually filled with a sense of laughter and joy.”

After all, Gottman’s “groundbreaking research shows the success or failure of a couple’s repair attempts is one of the primary factors in whether [a] marriage is likely to flourish or flounder,” states David and Constantino Khalaf, in their article, “How to Make Repair Attempts So Your Partner Feels Loved.” Moreover, “How couples repair is what separates the relationship Masters from the [relationship] Disasters,” states Kyle Benson, in his article, “Repair is the Secret Weapon of Emotionally Connected Couples.”

So why not try this for yourself? See if you can design some pattern interrupts with your partner at a time when things are going well—watch a few of your favorite scenes from movies or TV shows together and talk with your partner about how you might use these for your relationship. Where do you tend to get stuck? When could you use them? Would you each be willing to gently remind the other of your agreement to use them? Can you remain playful and light-hearted as you practice adopting this new habit? You may be surprised and delighted to find how emotionally connecting and meaningful this can be. You’ll also be creating shared meaning—when my boyfriend and I reflect upon these moments even months later, it makes us laugh again!

Dianne A. Fanti, M.S., is an author, consultant, and educator who offers courses for mental health professionals, community leaders, and the public that promote health, well-being, and the building of essential life skills by integrating the wisdom of the healing and expressive arts with contemporary scientific research findings, for a unique and evidence-based approach. You can find her programs at healseducation.com